i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
