No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
even my farts smell like vagina
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Randomize
