I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
