I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
