Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
