his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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