we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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