why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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