seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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