I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize