she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
