So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
