I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
