I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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