it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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