i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
