I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
