why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize