Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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