he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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