I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
