I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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