I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
