I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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