nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
