so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
