cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
