Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
