the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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