Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
