Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
