My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
