I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
