just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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