I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Someone came in the potted fern
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
