i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
