best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
