Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
