Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
