if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
