I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
