6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
