You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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