Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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