Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
