I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
