haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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