I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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