New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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