I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
