i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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