I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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