lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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