I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
