I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
