awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
