put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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