I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
