He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
