"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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