Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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