Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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