Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
